Lois, Come Home

It's been two weeks. Seems like about ½ a year. Many insects don't even live that long.  But time really drags.

So much happens in that span of time. Just not to me. Or maybe what is happening just pales in comparison to what isn't happening. No soft, understanding touch. No sitting and watching her work on something, become frustrated and scrunch up her face or experience success and beam.

She left me. Again. This time for a younger man. Actually, two other men – a younger man and a really younger man. And a lady. For the last two weeks she has spent her time going shopping, going out to eat, going to the park, pushing around toy trucks and cars on the floor, watching videos called Dora and Wiggles, playing golf (in the house,) and making a variety of food stuff. Pretty much what she did when she left me last time for two really younger men, a young lady, and a not quite as young (but still younger) lady and man.

My heart is thankful she can and does take the time to build the memories that are being created. It perpetuates what I know of the Browns, both past an current. And it will perpetuate itself in various ways with the Browns' and Fernandes' of the future.

But it is now time to put my heart back together again. As Monday draws closer, I become more anxious. I know she'll remember me. (It hasn't really been THAT long.) I hope she remembers how I like to hold her close. And walk holding her hand. And watch her smile.

Until then, I'll have MY memories.

An Old Friend

I ran into an old friend a couple of months ago.  It wasn't really by accident.  I had been looking for something that was missing. I knew it had been there at a time in the past but had not been around for a while.  Did I mention it was an invisible friend? 

We were close during my teen years.  My friend helped me sort things out, become aware of the world around me, made me slow down enough to recognize priorities.  After running several miles on the beach my friend would persuade me to sit and watch the waves for an hour.  I could be transfixed by the persistence of the water coming back to the shore time and time again.  And the colors!  My friend would encourage me to take the long way home so I could drive through the overhanging forests of the Old Pali Road.  Slowly.  That helped me see the calming effect of beauty.  And what is another 10 minutes?  We would sit at the end of the runway and watch 747's take off over me.  How do they do that?  They were huge but graceful.

But as with too many people I know, I outgrew my friend.  Serious school, a job, family, all worked on my mind to crowd out my friend.  I didn't have time.  Priorities changed to meet expectations - other people's, not mine.  I saw how much a waste of time my friend was.  I compressed activity to meet goals quicker.  Accomplish... be efficient... busy. The pressure to be "there" grew.  No time.

Running into Solitude recently was a such a surprise.  I had forgotten them altogether.  

Living Life On Purpose

It is easy to be trapped into thinking we are victims. We can't help it. Someone made me. I had to. For me it is sometimes just because it is there (as in food.)

There are long lists of good things to do. And because they are good, I should do them. Someone wants me to take out trash or take them somewhere so I "should."  I "need" get up and go to work in the morning even though I was up late last night.  I "have" to go to the store (may seem a bit of a stretch here but just the use of the word is a downer.) The negative applies as well.  Things I shouldn't do or have to stop doing (there are those donuts again.)


I think the problem is often semantics.  "Have to" and "should" and "need" are not really the proper things to say.  I don't really think I'm not in control of the decision, but the subliminal message is "I don't have a choice."  That sets attitude which leads to a martyr complex.  Then even good things are a burden.


"The Lord loves a cheerful giver."  There must be a reason why God has chosen not to exact gifts, obedience, and worship.  Choice will be the reason much of His creation will not be with Him for eternity as He has indicated He would like. 

I value results when I feel I had a hand in delivering them.  On the other hand, when I feel coerced or prodded solely by guilt or shame, I can't really feel pleased even when the correct result is obtained.  It wasn't my choice.

Instead I am finding a lot of peace in the idea of choosing what I will do with my life.  I have started changing my self talk and being more aware of my speech.  I now choose to do or not do things.  That doesn't mean I always WANT to do what I choose to do.  But now when I choose to do something I didn't WANT to do, I have taken ownership.  It was, in the end, my choice.  And I'm better with that.

Out of the mouth the heart speaks.  Words do have meaning.  I much rather Live Life on Purpose.